The Ugly Seeds of Hurt

I am a very sensitive person, anyone who knows me knows that is a fact. That is a big flaw for me, so here goes a post where I expose my wounds and let you in on the big ugly truth. When I am hurt, I bury that within me like a seed. When I am angry, I pull out the shovel and bury that, too. Those ugly little seeds start to grow and multiply, putting thorns of hurt and anger in my heart. I don’t like to let go of those seeds because they are so much a part of me, letting them go would be like letting go of a limb, or a lung. I cling to them and they provide a continual source of negativity for my thoughts, fueling self doubt and insecurity. I take the ugly things that people say to me and hold on to them, like some self deprecating crutch. I beat myself up in my mind all the time, like a big kung fu party. I don’t want to accept that I am not perfect. There, I said it.

All my life, I’ve struggled for someone else’s approval, someone’s acceptance. But, I can’t always please everyone 100% of the time. (Gasp, yes, it’s true.) In fact, I fail more often than I ever do things right. And, I don’t deal with hurt and disappointment, well. When people don’t accept me, faults and all, I usually take that to mean that there is something wrong with me. I can remember being in high school, when I was an awkward teenager who thought that she was ugly and fat, just wanting to fit in. In retrospect, I see that I wasn’t ugly and I wasn’t fat, but I let one hurtful statement change my whole self image. “You know, if you would lose a little more weight, you would be really pretty.” I was a normal weight, I was never bone skinny, but I wasn’t abnormal. I let someone’s misguided opinion set the tone for my entire four years of high school self image. I remember when all I wanted was to go to law school, and I just couldn’t get the acceptance letter in the mail. I went to talk with an instructor, who was also an attorney, and she provided some constructive criticism. All I heard, even though it was not what she said, was “Maybe if you were a little bit smarter, you could do it.” By the time that I did get my approval letter, I had given up the dream because I was convinced that I was not smart enough.

I let my fear of failure, my fear of not being competitive or good enough to stop me from pursuing a dream. Wow…now that’s sad. One of my first jobs after college, I worked for a supervisor who was an expert at dishing out insults and degrading her subordinates. I tried my best everyday, gave my all everyday, and wanted more than anything to be accepted. When it came time for raises to be given, she didn’t give me one and I asked why. She said, “I didn’t give it to you because I didn’t think you were good enough.” The ugly seed of hurt took hold in my heart and changed my self esteem forever. Not good enough, never good enough.

Even today, when I am hurt by the words or actions of others, I suck that right into my core and let it fester…the ugly seed of hurt. It festers, it grows, and it makes me sick. But the really sick thing is that I let it. I. Let. It. I don’t want to defend myself for fear of being called defensive. I don’t want to confront the person for fear of being called confrontational. So, those seeds sit. And they grow. And they wither. I find every reason in the world to hold on to the hurt and not let go. I internalize everything and think that my job, my kids, my spouse, my house, my you-name-it, define who I am. If I am bad at my job or bad at being a parent, then I am inherently bad, or at least that’s what I find myself thinking.

A friend recently said something to me that made me stop tending my ugly garden of hurt and anger, and think. Don’t be scared to step out of that comfort spot. Oh wow, does it count that the comfort spot is really like a masochistic palace? You can’t let other people define who you are. But, I’ve done it for so long, how do I know who I am? I have to know the real me, the one that can let things slide off her back. My dad’s philosophy was to be like a duck, and don’t give a quack. (Except he didn’t use the work “quack.”) I am really tired of carrying this horrible burden of trying to please other people and these ugly seeds of hurt. Their thorns are beginning to tear into the fabric of my life, hurting the relationships that I have with my friends and my family. So, here goes, today I throw these ugly seeds into the air. I want them to find a new home, preferably in a big black hole so that no one else can let them grow and fester. If you see them coming, pull out your weedkiller (self esteem) and tell them to take root elsewhere. Live your life loving yourself for who you are, the precious, imperfect you. The one who may not be as skinny, as pretty, as smart, or as funny as someone else. I, for one, love you for who you are.