Listening

I just have a question….does anyone else’s inner voice talk nonstop? Mine is always talking, thinking, or worrying. I don’t think there is a quiet moment in my mind unless I’m asleep, and let’s be honest, my dreams are wild so that’s not exactly quiet sleep. I’m a day dreamer…bad. I remember when I was in school as a kid, one teacher commented how often I was day dreaming. I also got scolded for not looking at the teacher when she talked. She thought I wasn’t listening but I was. I always answered her questions correctly even though to her it may have looked like I wasn’t listening. Mama got called in for a teacher’s conference because of my daydreaming but she made her point when she reminded the teacher I got the answers right. 

Here lately it seems like my mind just goes in a million different directions. I have been both the glass half full and the glass half empty kind of girl. I worry about the seen, the unseen, and the improbable. I hope for the best, the better, and the improbable. The devil and the angel on my shoulder are in a constant battle to win my emotional grounding. Some days, I hear the devil whispering all the words of inequity, shame, defeat. Some days, I hear the angel loud and clear shouting words of my worth, my purpose, and my victory. It’s amazing to me how easy it is to listen more to the whispers of the devil than to the shouting of God. Even when I know a situation will work out for my good, I doubt. I convince myself of every reason why it won’t. Then, I scold myself for my doubting. 

I’m sure there’s a clinical definition for all of this but it sometimes just feels like chaos to me. I’ve been spending a lot more time alone lately and I guess that’s why the noise in my head seems louder than normal. It’s filling in the space of where there used to be more to distract me. I know people tell stories in past tense of how they made it through hard times. Nobody really ever talks about it while they’re going through it. These thoughts, these dreams are all part of this journey. Some days, the journey feels like you’re walking with a cactus on your feet. You’re cussing all the way, throwing stuff, yelling, and just mad at the world. Other days the journey feels a little better, like progress is, well, in progress. I’d like to fast forward to the parts where I’m not left with just this brain of mine talking smack all the time. I’d like to fast forward to the part where I can breathe a sigh of relief and enjoy life again. 

I imagine myself ending up like Yoda or some karate expert that has mastered control. I’ll sit on the floor, cross-legged, telling stories of the journey to others. They will look on in awe of my strength, my control. Until then, I’ll just keep on pushing through the thoughts. I’ll put them in their appropriate compartment and win the battle one thought at a time. Maybe then, I’ll have some of the right answers in this thing called life.