Scars

In 2010, I was getting ready for work when I went to open my shower door and literally heard my finger break. At first, I questioned what had just happened because it seemed highly improbable that my finger could have broken by just moving a shower door. But, I knew something wasn’t right because for weeks prior, I’d felt a weird sensation in that finger any time I applied even the least amount of pressure to it. I went to the ER to get it checked out and guess what? It was a bone tumor that had actually eaten away the bone and caused it to weaken, thus breaking it with even the smallest amount of pressure. The ER doctor came in the room with a somber look on his face and he said something like, “It’s broken because of a bone tumor. And, this kind of tumor usually comes back all over your body. You’ll have to have surgery to fix it and to have a biopsy.”

Talk about shock! I just remember staring at him like he’d been speaking a foreign language. I thought he was going to come back and tell me that I was a hypochondriac and was fine. Never in a million years would I have thought that it was actually broken, much less from a bone tumor. The thoughts raced through my mind about my dad’s last days when his cancer had metastasized to his bones. I would have to wait for the surgery and the biopsy to come back before I could have any peace about it. Thankfully, the tumor was benign but the scars from the total of three surgeries are evident. I had to have two bone grafts from two different surgeons because the tumor kept growing back and the bone kept breaking. The multiple surgeries then resulted in tendon damage that has left my dominant right hand pointer finger in a permanent witchy curl. It’s really attractive when you’re trying to point since it will not straighten out.

Just so we’re clear — when they go digging in your bones to get bone material to grow new bones, it hurts. When this kind of surgery happens to a finger, which is plentiful in nerve endings, let’s just say it makes you real grumpy. And, when the first surgery left stitches that were pulled too tight, Percocet became my BFF. The first five days after having my first surgery, I had a timer for the medicine and stayed asleep most of those first five days. I ate so I wouldn’t puke when I took the medicine then I slept, then repeat. Mama finally told me that I needed to wean myself off the pills and try Ibuprofen. I really just wanted to wallow in the pit and worry myself to death while I was awake so Percocet seemed to numb all the pain, the mental and physical. But, I knew she was right and I weaned myself off of it. Ibuprofen is not meant for bone pain like I had and it barely numbed the pain. I remember one time gnawing on a washcloth because it hurt so bad. Regardless, I made it through.

The second surgery was to place an external set of rods that were “intended” to help keep the bone graft stable enough to heal. If you don’t know what this means, you have little metal rods that are literally sticking out of your skin. Because the bone tumor kept growing back, this didn’t work to fix it so I eventually went to a hand surgeon who put a permanent metal rod on the inside. I went to therapy afterwards and was making progress, but then one day it just didn’t bend like normal. The tendon was damaged and the repair proposed was no guarantee that it would ever work properly again. I couldn’t imagine going through more pain so I declined another surgery. My hand surgeon teased that he could make four fingers look as good as five and I promise there are days when I want to take him up on that offer.

The lack of movement in that finger has caused significant arthritis and if you hit it just right, well, you might say words you can’t say in church. It hurts bad some days and I struggle to not go chop it off myself. The scars of the surgery and subsequent failure of the tendon are with me forever. Or, until I decide to make four fingers look as good as five. That’s how scars are. They don’t go away even if the immediate pain is gone. I have a scar on my leg from an unfortunate fishing incident where a lead weight slammed into my shin and a hook caught my skin. Some scars were caused by things I couldn’t control, like my finger. Other scars were caused by things I could control, like not standing behind someone while they cast their fishing line. It’s harder to make sense out of the things that we have no control over.

I’ll never know what caused the bone tumor or why it caused so much damage. I’ll also never know why the tendon was damaged beyond repair. I have to live with it just like it is and enjoy Halloween every year to the fullest with my witchy little finger. Is it really what I want? No, I want a perfect finger that doesn’t predict the weather. I can’t change it, and no amount of worry will prevent another bone tumor from popping up somewhere else. This scar is one that I’ve had to accept at face value and place my hope in it never happening again. Hope is no guarantee but it’s all I have for that situation.

The scar on my leg is barely noticeable but its one I haven’t forgotten in over 30 years. When someone is casting their line, you better believe I move away and warn others to do the same. This didn’t stop me from fishing, it just made me be a little more careful. Scars can be there to remind us not to be stupid while at the same time to have hope in a better tomorrow. I believe that scars can also tell a beautiful story of the things that were meant to break us but instead built us. Had I never pushed through the pain after weaning off the pain medicine, I would never realized just how strong I was. Pushing through that pain prepared me for another journey that I was yet to face. In 2012, I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I would never had been prepared for the ridiculous pain that I’d feel had I not experienced the bone tumor. Dare I say, I’m better because of that experience even as painful as it was.

You are stronger than you give yourself credit if you just try. Had a broken heart? Love again but know your boundaries. Been generous to the wrong people? Keep giving but recognize when you’re being used. Use those scars to build, not break. Everything has its purpose but it’s up to you to find out how to use it.