I have had one of those days that just makes me want to break some things. I had a friend tell me about a business her friend opened where you can just break stuff. I legitimately have been pondering that for many years. Today, I wish I lived near that girls business. I would go broke breaking the hell out of some plates. Iād smash old wooden televisions with an axe. I would stab old feather pillows until the room looked like an avian serial killer had come to town.
Thatās all if I wasnāt in excruciating pain. Iāve apparently got something going on with my back and itās left me with severe pain. Iām numb and tingly all up and down the entire right side of my body. My ER visit focused more on whether or not I was having a stroke, which luckily I was not. But unfortunately did nothing to investigate or treat the pain.
So now itās getting further into the night and Iām hurting so bad I have cried all afternoon. My eyes are sore and dry from the tears. Itās not just the physical pain Iām going through but the emotional pain, too. I fight pain with rheumatoid arthritis every day. I sometimes feel like Iāve become numb to the pain that most people would not be able to stand. When I hurt really bad, itās like itās ten fold. Iāve gone back and forth with nausea so bad it would feel better if I could throw up. I think about how if the pain of whatever is going on is this bad now, what will it be when I get old?
Who wants to endure that? I donāt. I know they probably consider me non-compliant because I donāt take any of the drugs for rheumatoid arthritis. Iāve tried so many and they all have horrible side effects. Pain medicine does nothing. Nada. I tried a biologic drug and it was horrible. I tried just a run of the mill anti inflammatory and it was horrible. Why would I want to put something in my body that has the potential to kill me or cause horrific side effects?
The emotional war is also hell and I feel like Iām on the losing side. Iāve been going through a really bad time in my life as those who read this blog regularly know. In the ER, I was asked who they should call and I realized I was all alone. Thereās nobody to call, nobody to fight this pain with, nobody to take care of me. Itās me, myself, and I. My boys are really kids themselves. They canāt take care of me. And I wouldnāt ask them to. I thought about one of my neighbors who is leaving to go into an assisted living home. Will that be me? Will I one day be shipped off to a nursing home to be tucked into a corner and forgotten? What happens when the arthritis destroys my joints completely and Iām a burden to this world?
Pain does this to you. It puts you on the branch with the Cheshire Cat telling you riddles of the dark. Being without relief makes me cry until I canāt catch my breath. Iām screaming with no noise. Iām begging God to make it stop. Thankfully I have an appointment with the orthopedic doctor in the morning. I pray that he will do something to make it stop.
But I feel like Iām carrying this heavy sack behind me. My emotional pain and my physical pain are packed all in and I glance back at it from time to time. On one hand, I want the world to notice. Notice me. Notice my pain and help me carry it. But on the other hand, I donāt want anyone to see this weakness. If you donāt see it, though, you canāt understand me when Iām just a shitty human. And Iāve been one. Lord have mercy, Iāve been one. Prickly as a cactus yet trying to hide it away and only poking me.
What I really want to do is find a tall bridge and throw this sack off the side. Shove it into the oblivion and return to a happier, healthier me. I want to go back to 2010 before I was diagnosed with this mess. I want to stop the bone tumor from growing and triggering the inflammatory response. I want to be able to do things I used to love without pain. I want to quit faking a smile when I am breaking into a gazillion little pieces on the inside. I want the pain to stop. All of it. Because when you scream without making a noise, you suffer alone. And I just donāt want to suffer at all.
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