Stabbing Words

Have you ever said something and almost immediately wished you hadn’t? I think we’ve all been there. I’ve put my foot in my mouth more times than I can count that’s for sure. My brain works pretty good when I’m writing but when it tries to put words together to say, I’m pretty good at bungling it all up. I know I’m guilty of saying things that hurt and I promise you, as an overly sensitive over-thinker, I’ve regretted ever uttering anything hurtful. I don’t know if anyone really intends on being mean or at least I hope they don’t.

Recently, I’ve had a friend who makes comments that I don’t think they realize are really hurtful. Ever since being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis I have really struggled with my weight. I’ve been on and off steroids since 2012 and every time I have to start taking them my weight inches up. I’ve gained so much weight and it makes me feel so self-conscious. I don’t think the comments are intended to be hurtful but they are. Stabbing, actually. This friend has started making a comment every time I say something about eating or being hungry. The comments are sort of said in a joking way and at first, it didn’t bother me. The comments are things like, “oh, you’re eating again?” or “yeah, you can’t miss a meal.”

The words stab me and tonight they’ve hit me hard. I had just ordered dinner and this friend made some comment that I honestly can’t even remember clearly but it was another one about how often I eat. I’ve eaten two small meals today. I had a half of a cookie for a snack. It wasn’t the healthiest choice but it is also not like I’ve had six large meals today. My third meal of the day was admittedly unhealthy and full of fat. When the food arrived, I stared at it for the longest time while chastising myself for ordering it. I beat myself up about my weight and let it define me. I’m just a fat girl eating a fat meal. My worth was momentarily tied to the food before me. I think a punch to the gut would probably not hurt as bad as this has hurt.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stood in front of my mirror and pinched my fat rolls, cursing every single one. Ever since gaining the weight, I don’t hear things like “you’re pretty,” instead I hear things like “well, you have a pretty face.” The words that aren’t spoken yet implied are things like the only thing pretty about me is my face and the rest of me is a hot mess. What my friend doesn’t know is how often I’ve been overlooked as a human because I’m not a perfect sized girl. On my flight to California, the man next to me changed seats. He was obviously filled with discomfort when he saw me preparing to sit next to him. I sat down in such a way that I didn’t invade his personal space. I was uncomfortable but fully prepared to sit for a five hour flight like that so that he couldn’t say that he was made uncomfortable in his seat by a fat girl. He frowned the whole time until he flagged a flight attendant down so he could move. The only mistake I made was being fat. I wasn’t unkind or unfriendly to him. Just fat, and apparently that’s the worst thing to be.

What my friend doesn’t know is that I’ve dieted, I’ve exercised, and I’ve taken all sorts of supplements to help me manage my weight. I’ve most recently started a supplement that makes me sick as a dog. I guess maybe that’s how it helps you lose weight. It makes you feel too sick to eat. It makes my stomach cramp and with every cramp, I just hope that a fat cell dies. After the comment tonight, I’ve thought about how little I could eat and still have the energy to get through my day. I’ve thought about how I could start Weight Watchers again and hopefully get my arthritis pain under control enough to be active again. In order to be active again, I have to get the inflammation under control through, you guessed it, steroids. Ironically, the words that stab me don’t encourage me to do better. They make me want to disappear.

Some people may say that a friend wouldn’t say those kinds of things but the reality is that we all say things that stab others. We aren’t living their reality so it’s difficult for any of us to understand how we hurt people, even unintentionally. This same friend told me that I had said something hurtful recently and I honestly hadn’t given it a second thought. It was not said with malice or any intent to cause hurt. But it did. And I’m not in a position to tell them that it didn’t actually hurt. I’m not the judge of that situation, they are. Even people who love us, people who are generally kind, people who are encouragers have their moments. We are all fractured humans and sometimes those fractured parts of us cause us to lash out or say things that we may not mean. I apologized for the thing that I said and was honestly surprised that I’d even said it. I can only hope that my friend knows me well enough to know that I would never deliberately cause hurt. It’s just not in me.

Just like it’s not in me, I have to hope and pray that it’s not in them or anyone who spews stabbing words. I’m hurting tonight from those words. But it’s my demons that are causing me to take offense. It’s my demons that try to convince me that I’m less than worthy because of my waist size. It’s my demons that try to convince me that this friend really meant to hurt me. It’s a cycle that I wish I wasn’t in tonight. You might say they’re just words but they are sharp as a sword, regardless of the intent. Once they are said, it’s ever so hard to take them back. You can’t. We may ask for forgiveness and we may vow to forget, but the stabbing words have accomplished their mission. They’ve sliced away at the most vulnerable parts of us and we’re left to try to put those pieces back together again.

I know, or at least I hope I know, that my friend would never deliberately hurt me. Quite the opposite, in fact. I believe this friend would do anything in their power to protect me from hurt because they’ve been beside me through some of the worst days of my life. But regardless of whether or not I have this knowledge when attacked by stabbing words from either friend or foe, I have to choose to believe that no one would deliberately hurt another person. I know it may not always be true, but it lessens the pain from the stabbing words.