Most everyone who knows me or reads any of my posts knows that I have a very difficult relationship with sleep. Most of the time, my body wants me to wake up long before its actually time to get up. This means that I’m usually awake while darkness still blankets the earth. Today was one of those days. But instead of piling up on the sofa, I went outside to watch the sun peep over the trees as it makes its ascent to the sky.
The squirrels weren’t quite sure what to think, and made their confusion apparent with their chattering. The birds sang their morning song, and some made squawky noises high atop the trees that rivaled hissing cats. As the sky turned from the darker shades of deep blue into the pink hues marking the sun’s arrival, the cool morning air caused the leaves to dance across the lawn. A little chipmunk peeked out from behind a bush near my back door. I know the thing would bite the stew out of me but I just want to pet it. Lucky for me, or him, he didn’t stick around long.
I haven’t blogged in a while. To be honest, I haven’t felt very motivated. This time last year, I challenged myself to a weekly blog routine which I was mostly keeping up. But it’s hard to stay motivated when the pressures of the world nag my brain. I’ve been in a self proclaimed funk just trying to figure out the meaning of life, in particular my life. I’ve settled into a routine that feels comfortable for the most part but lacking in many ways. I wake up early, go to work, I come home, eat supper, read or watch TV, and then try to fall asleep (and stay asleep) at a decent hour. And I hit repeat. Not much more, not much less. But all the while, I spend a great deal of time thinking. Overthinking, to be more exact.
There is something innate to the human condition about the necessity for one to feel needed. Whether it is by your family, your friends, your work — doesn’t matter. We all want to feel like someone or something in this world needs us to make our mark. I often think about the kind of mark that I’m leaving on this earth. The kind of work that I do sometimes doesn’t make people happy. It’s nothing personal, it’s just the job that I do. It’s not who I am, and doesn’t define the depths of my soul. But, for some people, that is the only piece of me that they will ever see of me. I hesitate to say that I have multiple personalities but I do have different parts of me that different parts of the world gets to see. Like the moon that shows certain sides at certain times, I have to keep part of me hidden most of the time. I have to put on the professional front at work, the comedian when I’m with my friends, and the good daughter when I’m with my mom.
The real me has to decide who gets to see what parts of me. Through life, I’ve learned that not everyone deserves the complete me. Also, not everyone can understand the walking contradiction that it would seem that I am. It’s not that I’m pretending in any facet of my being, it’s just that I am pretty complex most days. I can see different points of view and respect them equally. Sometimes.
I remember many years ago going through a class to help you determine your spiritual gifts. According to the class, mine was discernment. As I’ve gotten older and lived through experiences, I feel that rings true. I usually can see through most facades that people try to put in front of themselves–both good and bad. I may not always acknowledge it and sometimes I even hope that what I’m seeing isn’t true. Isn’t it ironic that the girl who has to hide so much of herself can usually see everyone for who they are? What I see is that most people are neither wholly good, or wholly bad. While people may see themselves more as one or the other, sometimes that perception is really skewed. People who have insane amounts of talent sometimes see themselves in more of a bad light than those who are experts at nothing except as perfectionists at boasting. The downside of having a gift of discernment is being unable to take people at face value. There is so much deception in the world today and I’m very particular about protecting my peace. Trust but validate is my motto.
But, if I am protective of my peace then it stands to reason that others are doing the same. We are all only living our own lives and acting from our own experiences. Though we may have heard about the trials and tribulations of others, if we haven’t lived it we can’t understand the depths of it. We can’t always understand what motivates people to do what they do. I don’t live in anyone else’s brain and although I do my best to discern the actions of others, there are some things that I will never be able to understand.
There comes a time in the morning when the moon disappears from the sky. It happens within minutes as the light changes the view. Sometimes I find life imitates nature. Sometimes I have to hide myself from the view of the watching eyes, the prying eyes, and even the best of intention eyes. I hide, but like the moon, I will also rise again.
Messpot Diaries 