Let’s start off by saying this is the first hour of Miralax.
I am not amused. I don’t know anyone who would be amused. I’m just in to my third cup of this mess. My stomach has involuntarily moved like the alien was about to burst through. A stabbing pain rotated around my upper and lower abdominal area like a lightning bolt. I mostly expected all of that.
I did not expect the chills. I feel like all of the heat in my body has become hyper-focused on my butthole which has now (apparently) started to shoot flames straight into the toilet.
For those who know me well, you know that I am usually hot no matter the season. I have been known to wear flip flops all winter. But today, I had to dig to the back of my closet and find a hoodie to pull on over my shirt. It’s still not enough. My fingers are freezing as I type this, pausing only when the alien has to move around in my abdomen.
I have already done things I swore I would never do. I answered the phone while on the potty. It was the hospital registration department and the poor girl on the other end asked me if “now was a good time.” I paused because I didn’t know how to honestly answer that. There is nothing good about this time.
The flushable wipes that I purchased are labeled as “gentle.” That’s cute. The lid on these things does not want to lift when I try to open it. My Herculean strength has ripped part of it from the container. For a brief moment, I thought “oh no, these will dry out!” But that was early on in this process when I naively thought that 42 wipes was a lot. The wipes are also a little weird. They’re flushable so they’re not super strong but they have this weird attribute. When I try to pull one from the container, it rips and I’m left pulling on scraps of this heavy duty wet toilet paper. But yet when I want to rip one, it has the strength of a bath towel.
I just sneezed and I think I pulled a muscle in my belly but I’m just grateful that I didn’t poop. The best advice I have gotten thus far is not to trust a fart. I have no intentions of trusting a fart but I can’t help a sneeze.
Messpot Diaries 