I believe that life is a series of epiphanies that bring us to where we are supposed to be. Sometimes we have to endure the same epiphany like it’s new until we finally get it. I don’t have brain damage (unless you count the two concussions) that would make me learn things at a slower pace but honestly sometimes I have a brain blockage. I have to learn lessons the hard time more than once. Perhaps it’s because I have a good heart. Or, perhaps it’s because I’m stupid.
I tend to think it’s because I have a good heart. I give people and situations more benefits of the doubt than I give myself. I try to believe the best of folks until I’m running from the fire, blowing out my coattail. Then what do I do? Oh, I just go right back there to test and see if fire still burns. But as I told a friend recently, there’s no prize to being a martyr for bullshit.
My life hasn’t gone quite like I expected. Not at all. And I have whined and whined about it for far too long. I want to change that right now. It’s not a New Year’s resolution. It’s a resolution for the here and now. I have seen far too many people dancing with death this year and having a scare that I was going to be next has me really thinking about how I want to live my next fifty years.
I want to make a difference in this world. I’ve been watching a video series on YouTube by Mark Laita called Soft White Underbelly. His is a professional photographer who has started video interviews with people who struggle with poverty, addiction, abuse, and all the hardness life can bring. He has humanized these individuals with such a non-judgmental approach. Many times the faces we see of these folks are the ones plastered on the news in ways that subconsciously make us feel better than them. But the reality is that it could be me or you. To see the difference that he makes not only in the lives of these individuals but also for those who watch these videos is clearly the kind of planet altering difference I want to make.
I want to get my hands dirty and just love the unlovable. I want to hold the hands of the dying. I want to clothe the bodies of the cold and ragged. My good heart can be put to good use where it can make a difference. I’ve been throwing away all this love that I have for people who either didn’t want it or didn’t deserve it. Maybe that’s ok, too, but there are more people who need this good heart. There are more people who need to see the Jesus in me. It might just be the turning point for their life.
I thought what I wanted was to find peace and love. While I do want to find both, I want to find my authenticity. I find that I am my most authentic self when I am genuinely helping others and when I’m in nature. I know I don’t like to sweat but there is something very special about how I feel when I’ve been outside at the lake or swimming in the ocean. It’s like I’m being recharged.
I want to get outside and chase more sunsets. And sunrises. I want to watch the stars shoot across the night sky as I warm my hands at the fire. I want to be more than a traveler, I want to immerse myself in the beauty of everything around me even if it takes me to places I would never have imagined going. I want to be an adventurer and learn about different cultures.
I especially like to connect with the earth with my bare feet. My yoga instructor called it “grounding” and I go outside most every morning, no matter the temperature, if but for just a minute of grounding. The vibrations of the earth are supposed to be healing and I truly feel better when I’ve connected to the ground. It sounds crazy but it works.
I want to shift my focus away from my problems and what I want to instead find is what God wants for me. I’ve been driving this bus for far too long and it’s not working. I’m only going on dead end roads. I know God has a plan for me and I also believe that it won’t be revealed until I relinquish control. I can’t keep riding down this washboard road with my hands on the steering wheel shouting “Jesus take the wheel but only if I can steer it a little, too.” This is a God-sized job and I don’t have the credentials.
I want this year to be the year that I FINISH THE BOOK. I know y’all are sick of me saying I’m working on it. Truth is, I have been lazy. I sit across the room from my laptop and dream of the day when it’s done like it’s going to write itself. If that happens, I’ll become the main character and it will choke me for not having the courage to finish what I started. There. I said it…courage. I’ve been scared that if I finish this book and people read my innermost creative work, they will not like it. If they don’t like it, there’s no point, right? Wrong. I’m doing the book for me. If people like it, great. If people hate it, ok. I won’t please everyone and there will be critics. But if I never finish it, I won’t please myself. When I was waiting on the biopsy results, the first thought I had was how I would not have the time to finish my book. Nope, nope, nope. That is not what I want to have hanging over my head on my dying day. Outside validation or not, it’s getting done. (But please like it, ok?)
The next 365+ days will be spent working on all these things I want to weave into the fabric of my life—helping others, enjoying nature, and finishing the book. The negative naysayer that lives in my mind will have to take a sabbatical. When people start asking where’s the old Laura, I’m just going to tell them she’s been replaced by the one chasing sunsets.
Messpot Diaries 