Expectations

People expect me to behave a certain way, think a certain way, reserve myself a certain way. They judge me for allowing myself to be vulnerable yet encourage me to be proud of who I am. Make up your mind. Do you want me to conform to what is expected or do you want me to live life unapologetically? It’s exhausting trying to fit into someone else’s narrative of who I’m supposed to be.

I began my blog a long time ago with the promise to myself that I would try to be as transparent, good or bad, with what I talk about. All too often we second guess ourselves because the lie social media has made us believe that someone else’s life is better than ours. Oh for crying out loud, they probably have dust behind their toilet too. They just crop it out of the photos. Or put a filter on it.

If you’re reading my blog expecting to read a polished story about a woman who has it all together, just stop right here. Look no further and you won’t be disappointed. My car has peppermints from a party in October scattered around the back floorboard. It’s now February. My refrigerator has a lingering smell from something I can’t find or identify. My emotional health is on a roller coaster that is the poster child for bipolar. But this is me. Like me or don’t, I am tired of conforming to live within someone’s expectations of what they want me to be.

I don’t have it all together, although I try really hard to be the best version of me. I spent a lot of my life holding my tongue and people pleasing just so I could end up feeling frustrated. Why should I have to keep my mouth shut just because someone else may not want to hear it? They don’t keep their mouths shut out of courtesy to me. Nope. All too often, people comment things that I don’t want to hear. Am I to spend my life exempted from the club of opinion vocalization? God I hope not.

Should I tone down my weird or put the jeweled parrot earrings in the drawer just because they’re too flashy? Oh, my darlings, no one is remembered for their cookie cutter style. People are remembered for the things that set them apart from the crowd. I have a bejeweled necklace in the shape of large pink lips. Is it tacky? Maybe to some. And they are free to have their opinions.

Expectations are sort of like opinions. They both are made up rules based on (sometimes) arbitrary rules of society that are meant to be guides, not absolutes. What if, by living in the confines of someone’s expectations, I lose the opportunity to encourage someone to be their authentic self? Should we hide who we are just because maybe we aren’t exactly like everyone else?

I write about my struggles so that I can allow someone else to know they’re not alone. All too often when we are “going through it” the world encourages us to plaster a fake smile on and move on like there’s not a razor sharp thorn in our foot. Sometimes all we need to know is that we really aren’t that different from everyone else. We praise people for being stoic and keeping their battles silent. But why? Is it because if they speak it, we’d feel a sense of obligation to say or do something? Then when people talk about the pain or sorrow they’re facing, we’re quick to accuse them of being weak or an attention seeker. What in the big green earth is wrong with someone raising the flag and saying help? Or just saying “empathize with me.”

It’s easy to sit on the sidelines of someone’s grief, their struggles, or their pain and call the shots like we can do better. But the reality is that none of us really know how we’d act when the shit hits the fan. Similarly, it’s easy for us to make fun of someone’s style, their personality, or their mannerisms when we don’t know the “why” surrounding them. We expect people to behave and present themselves to the world the same way that we do. That’s just wrong. Individuality is truly the spice of life. No one gets excited over mass produced personalities. That would really be kind of creepy.

I say screw expectations. If you don’t think I should be talking about Sitz baths or broken hearts on my blog, stop reading. Don’t make me the person you love to hate. Find a hobby, get a pet, or grow a plant. While you’re at it, take the expectations you have of me and throw them in the garbage on your way out. I’m me. Beautiful, ugly, messy, organized, painful, funny, inappropriate, bashful, successful, failing, completely contradictory me. Expect the unexpected and you’ll never be disappointed.