Stress

Lately, my life has been filled with various types of stress. I think of it like looking at a tornado in the distance. I can see it, I can feel the wind hitting my face, and I can hear the roar of the tornado. But, I’m frozen and still with anticipation of the tornado hitting its target. The tornado is coming but I don’t know if it’s going to be directly in my path, if it’s going to shift or if it’s just going to dissolve away.

I’m a classic over-thinker, fraught with trying to mentally work out every situation so that it makes some sort of sense. I want to be able to anticipate the unknown so that I can react in a way that will protect me from more stress. In reality, this just causes more stress and then I stress about being stressed.

I tried looking for a hotel room at my favorite little beach town for tonight just so that I could drive five hours and turn back around and drive five more. They had a room but it wasn’t my favorite view. That wasn’t a logical cure anyway.

I envy the people who can take life as it comes and have the “oh well” mentality. In my mind, life is like a big set of dominoes and I want to be standing overhead, looking at which domino falls where. I can estimate, I can predict, but I simply don’t have the magical option to view things as they will eventually fall into place.

Lately, I’ve been viewing things as the worst case scenario. After all, if I’m prepared for the worst at least I’m not surprised by it. I was telling a friend the other day how I felt like my mind worked by thinking in layers. It’s like the way we sometimes say there are “too many tabs open.” My mind reminds me of phyllo dough, the many layered, thin sheets of dough that can be used to make things like Beef Wellington. I feel like sometimes my train of thought is not just one layer, but many layers, all thinking (and mostly worrying) at the same time.

These layers run deep and sometimes create the stress that plagues me. Rather than looking at the reality before me, my brain offers stress on a silver platter and says, “here, try this.” I don’t want to try it, I know what it does to me. But, the brain insists and another layer begins.

One might suggest that there is medication for that, or a counselor. But I don’t want either. I want my brain to be able to work it all out. After all, I’m too hard headed for any of it to work. Until I can make sense of a situation, I can’t let it go. Until I am faced with a brick wall, I won’t stop.

Those of you who’ve been following this blog for a while know that I separated from my husband a few years ago. It was my choice, not his. We’d been together for almost thirty years and married for a bulk of that. Despite the fact that it was me that chose to leave, I often question how I was so easy to let go. I was not worth fighting for or working with to even try to make things work. I sat back as weeks turned into months, and months turned into years. I’ve been a spectator in my life rather than a participant. My mind has spent the last few years spinning tales of why I wasn’t worth the fight. Cue the stress.

I’ve also come to the realization of the enormity of being an only child as Mama’s health has been on a roller coaster these last few years. I don’t have anyone to help me care for her and she’s over an hour away from me. My boys are too busy with their own lives to care about me much less to care about helping me with their grandmother. It’s an honor to be able to care for her, not a burden. Yet, it doesn’t stop the worry I have being so far away but I’m also not the one who’s going to rob her of her independence. We are bold women with feisty spirits, regardless of any health barriers. Cue the stress.

The stress begins to make its own symphony with music that is slightly off key. There are some days when it is easier to listen to the music than others. Some days I can drown it out by keeping busy or throwing myself into a new craft, a hobby, or some other project. Then there are days where the music is so loud that I can’t focus on anything but that.

Well-meaning friends encourage me to hold on to the faith, trust the process and timing. I’m told things like “God has a plan” or “worrying about things is useless.” While all of these things I know, stress makes me doubt everything I thought I knew about faith. There is sometimes a weight so heavy on my mind and heart that I can’t see past it. I beg for the breakthrough.

Stress and overthinking–these are the voices of inequity in my mind. Worrying is useless. Sooner or later, I will understand the things I currently don’t. Soon enough, the breakthrough will happen and the stress of the present will become the stress of the past. Soon enough can’t come soon enough.