For a while now, I’ve wondered when I would begin to feel like I was making progress in the right direction. I’ve prayed for God to heal my heart and to fix what I couldn’t fix. But, I never imagined that it could happen without me even realizing it. How can that even happen?
But, it has. I am stronger than I give myself credit and I am wiser than I was. I am growing and learning more about myself than I ever dreamed possible. And, it just hit me. I have the advantage in this war against my old self. I am feeling better about myself. I am at peace with the things that used to keep me up at night.
I suddenly realized recently that I don’t really care what people think about me anymore. I was talking with a friend about how you eventually get to this point in your life where being the authentic version of you is better than the plastic version. You won’t worry about the people who don’t like you. You won’t worry about the people who aren’t cheering for you. Instead, you’ll learn to stand up for yourself when you’re not being treated right. You won’t sit back and be silent. You won’t be unkind, but you’ll fight for yourself. Once you find this voice, it’s hard to silence it. And, why would you?
I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and I am now perfectly fine with that. At the end of the day, if I am happy with me and the progress I’m making, that’s all the approval I really ever need. I am no longer afraid to speak my truth. I am no longer burdened by feelings of guilt. I was finally able to look at myself in the mirror, both literally and figuratively, and see myself in a different light.
Today, a friend stopped by my work as I was leaving for the day. She jumped out of her car and was just in shock. She has not seen me in over a year and the girl she remembered from a year ago was one who was heavy laden with all sorts of stress. Her shock was just amazing to me because I didn’t think I’d changed that much. Certainly not on the outside anyway.
She told me that I was simply glowing with something and commented that it was evident in my hair, my skin, and my dimples. It was kind of wild to sit back and observe her reaction to the “new” me. She asked me if my new glow up was related to a new beau, but I simply told her that I’d finally come into my own. I explained that I had to let go of the things that were hurting my soul. I’d started to love myself, flaws and all.
Peace is priceless, simply priceless. My journey to peace wasn’t taken lightly and it wasn’t the easiest. But, it was very necessary for my sanity. I hadn’t really thought about the progress I’ve made until she saw me and couldn’t get over how much better I seemed. It was amazing to her to see how confident I seemed and how beautiful I had become. I couldn’t see it for myself when I was standing so close to the mirror. In fact, I was focused solely on getting to the point that I felt better that I missed the fact that I am feeling better. It took her noticing the things that I could not see to help me realize that my growth isn’t going unnoticed.
The days still feel like a roller coaster sometimes but I’ve come so far. I’m not the fragile little woman that I once was. I now know that while I may not be on the mountain top just yet, I’m on a ledge close to the top. I’m looking down to see how far I’ve come and recognizing that it’s something that I can be proud of without feeling guilty that I haven’t reached the summit. I’ve risen from the ashes of the fire that tried to consume me and I’ve put on the coat of courage to wear like a prize.
I’m finally coming into my own. I’m growing into the woman that I’ve always been destined to become. I don’t deny that there is still work to be done. Like Dr. Hughston, founder of the orthopedic practice, The Hughston Clinic, used to say, if you’re green you’re still growing but if you’re ripe you’re next to rotten. If I continue to grow, even when I’m comfortable and especially when I’m uncomfortable, then I win.
The road here was more like a pot-hole filled rugged road to nowhere. It felt like I would never arrive and I would be confused about my future forever. But, it’s happened, even without me paying close attention. Progress, no matter how little or slow it has felt, is progress nonetheless. Little steps add up, and then one day, I arrived.
I want all the people who are struggling on their journey to know this–I grieve with you. The journey to new beginnings is sometimes like mourning a death–the death of the old you. I grieve your unhappiness with you and I want you to know that it doesn’t have to be like this. It won’t be like this forever. One day, you, too will wake up and see just how far you’ve come. You’ll smile at your progress and know that you’re emerging from the brokenness. And, you won’t look back.
Messpot Diaries 