Lately, my life has been a roller coaster of stress and I don’t like roller coasters.
For those of you who have been following along about the events at the farm, I’m sad to say that the heartbreaking decision was made for my friend to sell the farm. I wish I could say that I was totally surprised but the odds were stacked against us from the beginning. We were trying to sew a gold purse with a sow’s ear. I kept trying to put lipstick on that pig but it wouldn’t sit still. The project was too big for the budget and sometimes you just have to acknowledge when something is falling apart.
I worked hard to put together the writers retreat. I put every piece of marketing material together, paid for the event to be hosted on a ticket sales site, and gathered writers together who were to be presenters. At least I proved to myself that I could start something from virtually not knowing how to begin. I reached out to local bookstores, most of which didn’t care to reply. But, Laura Meredith from the Newnan Book Company was kind enough to respond. Although she didn’t know exactly how she could help, she put me in touch with T.M. “Mike” Brown, a local author. Mike and I connected over the phone as strangers and he was so supportive. He went and toured the farm, and despite the work that yet had to be done, he was on board with the retreat. He was instrumental in connecting me with individuals who could be presenters for the retreat. I could not have made any of that work without Laura Meredith and Mike Brown. Do me a favor and go see Laura’s store in Newnan, Georgia. Tell her I sent you. You may have to explain that I’m the crazy lady that reached out to her about a writers retreat. Visit her website here: https://www.newnanbookcompany.com/. While you’re there, buy one of Mike’s books or visit his page to learn more: https://tmbrownauthor.com/.
I can’t thank them enough for their support of my crazy dream. It may have fallen apart now but I learned a lot about myself through that experience. I learned that I could put together an event virtually out of thin air. I stepped out of my comfort zone and reached out to strangers for help. And, they answered the call, no matter how unlikely it seemed to become a reality.
However, seeing that fall apart was a hard blow. I don’t like failure, even if they say that failure teaches us many lessons and makes us appreciate the wins that much more. My biggest problem (maybe one day it will be an asset) is being a dreamer. I look at the impossible and think of ways to make it possible. I’m usually the “where there’s a will, there’s a way” girl. Lately, it just seems like there are too many times that will is blocked by a concrete wall. I end up frustrated, wanting to kick that wall or better yet, blow it up.
I don’t think life is supposed to feel like this. I don’t think I’m supposed to be in this endless state of worry and frustration. I’ve tried to think about all of the things that are going right in my life. There are many blessings and I am so thankful for things being as good as they are.
But, something is just missing. I’m a good girl. I try to take really good care of the people close to me, and even those who are mean as shit to me. I give myself, my time, and my money to make a difference in this world. I try my best to keep hurtful things from going out of my mouth. But, some days, things just simply fall apart.
Some days, I disappoint myself with how I can’t control my mouth or my thoughts. They can both be pretty destructive to my self esteem, and sometimes maybe even to others. I don’t always govern my mouth in the way that I need. But, dammit, some days I just can’t help myself. I want things to fall together instead of always falling apart.
I keep saying that I’m going to finish my book. Maybe my attempt at getting the event center up and running was really more of a way to avoid the work that has to be put into the book. I tried to make the excuse that the writers retreat was going to open more doors for me but that just wasn’t it. I wanted to achieve that “high” of accomplishment to propel me to continue writing. I wanted something good to happen that could show me that I was moving in the right direction. But sometimes, hopes and dreams are simply not enough. Sometimes everything has to fall apart so that something better can fall together.
Maybe, just maybe, the reality is that I was not going in a direction consistent with my destiny. Perhaps my devotion of time to an event center, even one hosting a writers retreat, was taking me further away from what I am supposed to be doing. Dare I say that my attempt to jump head first into the event center was just an evasive measure?
Yep. Truth is…I’m so scared of failure that I don’t want to suffer the disappointment when people don’t like my excessive use of the “f” word. I don’t want to face the criticism of racy love scenes. But what failure could be worse than the failure to try? Sometimes I think I just want to sink into my sofa and disappear rather than work on my book. If I already anticipate that people are going to hate it, well, why start?
There’s still that little bit of hope that has been sparked by followers and friends alike when they’ve told me they enjoy my writing. I ran into a friend and follower in the grocery store yesterday that I had not seen in years. She hugged my neck and told me how much she enjoys my writing. The total encounter was less than three minutes but I could have climbed an entire mountain from her words of encouragement. She helped something start to fall together for me.
Here’s my big ask to you today…if you read my blog regularly or even if you are reading it for the first time, if you like it, will you please share it? Will you please tell your friends about this crazy girl who sounds like she’s on the verge of a mental breakdown about 78.2% of the time? Because it’s sort of relatable, isn’t it? We’re all struggling to achieve something. We’re all struggling with things that just keep falling apart like a cookie that isn’t baked right. Sometimes we all need that ounce of encouragement or those words that keep us doing what we’re doing. Imagine the impact of the power of encouragement. For me? It keeps things from falling apart and keeps me looking forward to the day when they will all fall together.
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