When I was in high school, one of my fellow tennis players decided he would set me up with one of his friends who attended another high school. He had the bright idea to have this friend ride by after school one day. My best friend and I were on the front lawn of the high school waiting for our ride. I was nervous and really tried hard to look my best, which meant I tried desperately to tame my curly hair. My unruly, curly hair. I did not own a hair straightener nor did I know of any way to straighten it other than to blow dry it straight. All the pretty girls had board straight hair that was shiny and tame. But y’all…I live in Georgia where the humidity is about 2000% on any warm day. My natural curls didn’t stand a chance with just a blow out.
The guy rode by the school and slowed down when he saw us standing on the sidewalk. My heart beat faster and I was excited to finally get some attention. However, this guy only slowed down. He took one look at me and my frizzy head of hair, shook his head, and drove away. It was the equivalent of someone kicking me in the gut. Then maybe even kicking me down and stomping on me.
I couldn’t help but think that I wasn’t good enough. There was someone better out there with shiny, straight hair who he could appreciate more. What I didn’t realize then was that it was ok. If he didn’t slow down long enough to see my kind heart and funky sense of humor, I was the one who actually won that day.
The reality is that people are going to judge you on arbitrary factors that you can’t control. We all do it. Sometimes it’s more hurtful than others. Sometimes I don’t give two shits what someone thinks. But, somewhere out there is someone who is better than me, smarter than me, prettier than me, skinnier than me, or whatever else better than me. The values that others place on me is their value system. Not mine. It still doesn’t stop it from hurting.
When we are not valued in the way we believe we should be, we have options. We can settle for the belief of inequity that someone else has placed on us or we can find something better. We don’t have to accept the belief that we are less than in any situation. We can’t convince someone who doesn’t see our value that it’s there. We can struggle to put pieces of a puzzle together but if the pieces aren’t from the right puzzle, they won’t fit.
I spent a bulk of my life trying to fit in and conform to what other people wanted. I began to believe that my quirky ways were something to be ashamed of, and I hid myself. It’s a lot more comfortable not to draw attention to yourself if you have the belief that everyone else is better than you. The truth is that there will always be someone who is better in some way, but we will also be better in some way. It’s a balance to accept myself and allow the world to see the real me. For heaven’s sake, do I really care if they don’t like me?
The wild haired teenage version of me cared way too much what people thought of me. A boy once told me that I would be pretty if I grew my hair out longer and lost some weight. Keep in mind, I was not a fat girl back then. I let the weight of that statement control me for a long, long time. I was so focused on growing my hair out longer and losing weight that I lost track of what I wanted for myself. The late 40’s version of myself would like to kick him square in the nuts and tell him some not so nice things. He had a damn unibrow for crying out loud. I was listening to a boy with a unibrow and a big ass head tell me how I needed to look. Child, please.
It took me a long time to get to this place and still sometimes the feeling of inequity creeps in. And it eats away at all the good things I can finally appreciate about myself. But, I fight and I battle with the voices that try to tell me who I am and whether or not I’m good enough. Oh I’m more than good enough. I’m rare, even. I’ve fought to be this girl that I am now and I will continue to fight to be this girl. I have learned to accept that not everyone will like me and for them, there will be someone better.
The funny part about it all is that until we see the need for us to believe something better about ourselves, something better will always be on the back side of the mirror. It will always be out of reach and something we’ve mistakenly fooled ourselves into believing we aren’t meant to have. No one can convince us of our own worth, no matter how much they tell us or try to show us. That’s a ticket we have to purchase all on our own, and then give ourselves the permission to attend the show. For goodness sakes, if you find that you’re holding yourself back from being something better, stop it. If you find that you’re not living the life that you want to live, accept that something better is out there. Then go have the courage to grab it. Fight for it — even if you’re not sure if you’re worthy of something better, or even if you have wild, unruly hair and a personality all your own. At the very least, you deserve to believe that you are something better.
Messpot Diaries 