Fiercely Independent

Fiercely independent. Those are two words that I would use to describe my mom. Although she’s going to be 82 years old this year, she has an independent streak of a 21 year old. I’ve always admired that about her but not seen it so much in myself. Perhaps I have been somewhat independent in many ways that I couldn’t recognize in myself. Lately, however, situations have pushed me into being more independent.

For instance, last year I had to replace my windshield wipers in the pouring rain. Contrary to everyone’s belief that the auto parts store will replace them for you, they aren’t keen on it on a rainy day. I’ve never replaced windshield wipers on my car. I do consider myself somewhat mechanically inclined even if I don’t always show it. My best friend and I were preparing to go on a trip to the beach but I was in desperate need of wiper blades. I didn’t have a choice. She and I stood out in the rain with the thin sheet of paper with the instructions on it, trying to get it at the right angle to go onto the car. The rain pummeled us and disintegrated the instructions. It took a whopping 45 minutes and lots of YouTube videos for us to get them on correctly. But, we did it.

I had to replace a headlight bulb in my car, too. Thanks to Google, I did it. I had a problem with my gear shift lock a few weeks ago. I read the instruction manual and found the manual override until I can get it fixed. Just yesterday, I replaced the toilet lever after the handle broke. In some ways, I feel unstoppable. But, in others, I just don’t like the fact that I have to be so independent.

I do appreciate the fact that I have the ability to fix some things when they break and not have to depend on anyone else. I also have the ability to do things that I never would have done on my own. I went and picked out a new bed yesterday since my current bed is killing my hips. I have always slept in a queen size bed but I decided that it was time that I level up. I went to the furniture store, picked out the bed and the mattress, and signed the papers. Just like a real grown up. I even went to Home Depot and found all the supplies I needed for my toilet repair. I picked up the stuff to refresh my patio. Then, I came home–all by myself–and got to work. I repotted a flowering bush into a bigger pot, I removed the old outdoor carpet, and I cleaned out the leaf debris around the edges of my patio. I potted some herbs and flowers, and then I put the new outdoor rug down. I opted for a green turf-like outdoor rug which makes the space feel more lush.

I own a power drill, two different kinds of sanders, an electric stapler, two sets of wire cutters, a hammer, and I have a tool box. I want to learn more about how to fix things and eventually, how to build things. I’ve limited myself in the past because I didn’t think that I needed to learn. I had my person that I could depend on to sometimes help me. While that was great during that time, when I didn’t have my person anymore, I was stuck. And, women like me don’t like to be stuck. I don’t want to wait on someone else or pay someone else. I want to be fiercely independent and do it myself. That’s what my mama would do. She researched on the internet how to change a carburetor and then she did it. She’s changed the oil in her tractor. Did she want to do that on her own? I think if anyone had a choice about changing the oil in a John Deere, most people would say no. But there is something so liberating when you can do things on your own, even if you’re not celebrating the fact that you have to. Maybe that is the celebration.

There may be a war going on inside of me about whether or not I like this independence. But there is one thing that rings true and that is how I won’t have to sacrifice my peace to rely on a half-assed human to do something for me. It is easier to allow people to do things for you. I’ve allowed that to happen for the bulk of my life, procrastinating my journey to independence for some day in the future. Well, “some day” showed up and I’ve had to do things that I really didn’t know if I could. My hands are weak, especially my right hand where I had a bone tumor and now have a metal pin in my index finger. It doesn’t matter that it’s my dominant hand, I’m just not as strong as I once was. Strength and independence don’t have to coexist. We can be progressing in our strength and still be independent. It see-saws sometimes. Our strength can get us through the times when we can’t be independent and vice versa. For much of my life, I thought you had to be both at the same time.

Sometimes strength teaches us that it’s ok to not be independent in some situations. Sometimes we need to rely on the strength and the independence of others to get us through. Other times, we surprise ourselves with the things that we can accomplish all on our own. However, independence starts with just one thing. You just have to try.