On the way home tonight, I stopped by the car wash. I inadvertently ended up on a dirt road on my way to the funeral home for a coworkers family member’s visitation. I had a coating of red dirt on a dark vehicle that just had to get washed off. When I pulled in to the car wash, my Apple CarPlay menu was displayed on my car’s dash. It was on “My Favorite’s,” showing the numbers I identified as those I call the most. Almost at the top of the list, I saw “Mama.” I haven’t changed it. I didn’t want to take it off the list. I guess I’ve felt as though if I take it out of my phone, I’m taking the memories of phone calls with Mama out of my phone.
It was a silly thought. The memories live on inside me. Grief is funny that way. It makes you think of things sideways. Or, sometimes it can make you not want to think of anything at all. I have yet to write the thank you notes to all of the people who did such nice things for me when Mama died. I guess I’ve thought writing the notes added finality to her death. I hope all of the kind people can understand my difficulties with grief.
If grief were the only battle, that would be enough. But I’ve still struggled with the fact that my marriage fell apart. I’m a middle aged woman who is full of perimenopausal anxiety. I wonder if I will ever find love again. I also wonder if I’m too independent and strong willed to entertain a relationship again. All I want is to be loved. It’s all I’ve ever wanted in my life. Losing Mama has made me feel like I’ve lost the one remaining human who loved me with pureness, and didn’t judge the cracks in my foundation.
I have friends and family that love me but not the way Mama did. I know they support me in this journey. But having that one person that can be there for you at the end of a long, hard day is something that I crave. It’s just not something I’m willing to search for right now. It worries me that I will never be able to let someone in my life like that again. Perhaps I have a little “crazy cat lady” anxiety. I don’t want to be the bitter old lady that never found love after life dealt her a tough hand.
After I left the car wash, I rolled down the window and opened the sunroof. I probably breathed in enough ragweed and grass particles to cause an asthma attack. Even so, there’s something cleansing about fresh, country air and loud music. I was listening to some gospel music and just asking God for clarity. Tell me, God. Is there a future with love in it for me? I passed, seemingly in slow motion, a church with a sign that simply said, “Pray. Trust. Wait.”
Pray. Oh how I pray. I’ve asked God to guide me and to give me peace. Trust. I know that God has never let me down before. Never, not once. Wait. Well, this is where I really struggle. I want things on my terms. My timeline. But, God has everything under control. He knows the desires of my heart. He knows the sleepless nights and the tears I’ve cried in the shower. He knows that all of the pain I hide from the world will not be in vain. He knows.
Pray. Trust. Wait. Pray. Trust. Wait. And, repeat. Repeat until the answer is clear. That was what the sign said. That’s what God himself said. I may be a member of the lonely hearts club today. Probably tomorrow, too. But, if I just pray, trust, and wait, then the wait will be worth it. What God has in store for me is far better than anything I could try to orchestrate on my own. I just have to pray, trust, and wait. And, repeat.
Messpot Diaries 