Several months ago during one of my many trips to pick up a prescription for Mama, I was sitting in the Walgreens drive thru just wailing. There were cars in front of me and cars behind me. I didn’t care. I was in the absolute fire and it was hard. I was listening, almost feeling rebellious, to Refiner by CeCe Winans. The lyrics seemed almost like a dare to God. I wanted to be tried by fire, refined. If that would bring me closer to God, I needed it. I didn’t have to like it. So I cried. And cried. Until the mascara was gone and my eyes were red. But be careful with what you ask God to do.
To get something you’ve never had, you’ve got to do something you’ve never done. It sounds cliche and it feels even more cliche. I wanted to be the best version of me, to find my purpose, to make it through the day. I wanted God to deliver me from the role of caregiver but I wanted it through Mama’s healing. I wanted her to get better and not suffer. God saw different. I don’t know why He couldn’t answer my prayer. Or, did He?
I asked to be refined. I asked God to make me a living sacrifice. I wanted my heart to be purified in such a way that He took away whatever He desired. That was my mama. It was my life as I had known it for 48 years. Nothing prepares you for being on this earth without either parent. I didn’t know how strong I would have to become. I truly thought that I was adult enough.
That’s almost laughable now. Nobody really talks about life insurance, wills, probating a will, or any of the inevitable things that you have to do. Nobody talks about making sure that you are listed as a beneficiary on bank accounts. Or, how you have to have so many legal documents to prove that you have the right to handle your parent’s business. Mama always talked about her will and where it was kept. I assumed that when the time came, I would find it and handle business. But the factor that I completely overlooked was grief.
Grief is a roller coaster. Some days you feel like the old you, the one before you knew the sting of loss. Some days are just a dark fog and you hope you’re navigating through alright. Every single day since I cried out to God to refine me, He has done just that. I’ve had to jump through hoops to settle Mama’s estate. I’ve had the loneliness that settles in when I can’t call Mama on the tough days. I’ve had things that I’ve had to do, regardless of how I’ve felt. Each and every day I’ve had to survive and question my pleas to be refined.
Yet, through it all God has not disappointed me. The hits keep on coming and I keep on winning. Some days my faith is strong and solid. Other days it’s Jello. I have asked for His protection, for His grace, and for His mercy. I have learned that doors keep opening for me, even if it’s not necessarily what I originally wanted. Part of being refined is the process of changing our vision. We have to be willing to yield to what God has in mind for us rather than the smooth road we want. Another song comes to mind, It Keeps Happening by Kierra Sheard.
She opens the song talking about how things “keep happening to me, keep happening for me.” The things we think are sent to break us are things sent to mold us. Yielding to become the clay and let the Potter do His work is when the real work begins. The things that I saw as obstacles were speed bumps for me to pause. They weren’t happening to me, they were happening for me.
All of these things were forcing me to trust that God had it under control. The things that I needed could only be orchestrated by God’s hands. He had to do things in His timing. I don’t know the why behind the timing just yet. But, I have to trust that what is ahead of me is so amazing that I will forget the things that I wanted to be ahead of me.
I needed a change of perspective. I needed to be tried by fire. I’m still in the fire and each day there’s something new. Or, scary. But sometimes great. The stabilization of the roller coaster is like walking across a balance beam. To balance, you have to find your focus. For me, God is my focus. When I keep my eyes on Him, my heart on prayer, and my mind on faith, I can feel the balance. If I stop, my mind spirals, worry seeps in and the devil seeks to destroy. I won’t lie, sometimes the worry feels more natural than faith. It may feel more natural but it is not more powerful. God is refining me. It doesn’t always feel great. But it is what I asked for and it’s happening for my good.
Listen to Kierra Sheard’s It Keeps Happening here:
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