If Not for CeCe Winans

Over the last fourteen months I’ve been on a journey. A journey to find my healing, to find my peace, and to find my purpose. I am not ready to tell my entire story and I’m not sure I will ever be ready to share that part of my life with the world. But, I had to make a really hard decision last year and I became separated from my husband. The sordid details don’t matter. The things I’ve learned about choices and healing are what matter.

I grew up grounded in church and have a personal relationship with God. In the good times and the bad, I’ve been able to talk with God. I’ve been able to turn to music that reflects my faith and my heart. It’s given me strength through the toughest battles of my life. When my Dad was battling terminal cancer, I listened to Nicole C. Mullen’s Redeemer over and over. I would put the CD in my car’s player and listen to it on repeat to and from work. The words, “The very same God that spins things in orbit runs to the weary, the worn and the weak. And the same gentle hands that hold me when I’m broken, they conquer death to bring me victory,” echoed in my ear. I listened to the lyrics of Yolanda Adams’ The Battle Is the Lord’s where she sang, “There is no pain Jesus can’t feel, no hurt he cannot heal. All things work according to His perfect will. No matter what you’re going through, remember God is using you for the battle is not yours, it’s the Lord’s.” Music has been my go-to healer.

I’ve been hurting and if you’ve read the blog much you probably worried about my mental health. Plenty days I worried about my own mental health. Thankfully, I have a wonderful group of friends and family who have carried me through this dark time. I’ve also had the music of CeCe Winans to embrace me with the promises of God. In the times when I needed Gods own arms to hold me, He sent music to keep me in perfect peace and to catch the tears that have filled my eyes.

On one particularly difficult morning as I was putting on my makeup for work, a song played from my phone on a random Apple Music playlist. It was the Goodness of God by CeCe Winans. She sang, “I love You, Lord. For Your mercy never fails me. All my days I’ve been held in Your hand. From the moment that I wake up until I lay my head. Oh, I will sing of the goodness of God.”

And it hit me. Hard.

The goodness of God has lead me through the darkest nights. God has been faithful, always. Even when the pain of life seemed to smother me. I cried and cried that morning. My makeup was a mess and eyeliner was all over my face. I ended up washing my face and starting over. It was a little bit like my life. It was a mess. But with God, I could start over and make it through.

Something told me to look up more of her music that morning. And, I did. Throughout that day, I think I listened to every song that CeCe ever sang. I felt the hands of God pushing me forward. I may not have had all of the answers that day but I was able to use music as a breakthrough for my pain. My best friend tells me all the time it’s ok to be sad sometimes but we just can’t live there.

Healing a broken heart is a little like trying to crawl out of a slippery mud hole. It’s a climb forward, a slip backwards. On repeat. I’ve had to be stronger than I’ve ever been in my whole entire life. I’ve had to look fear in the face and tell it to go back where it came from.

I’ve lived on my own for the first time in my life. I had to start over and the miracles that lined themselves up for me were only God-sent. As I reflected on this, CeCe sang the lyrics from Believe for It, “They haven’t seen what You can do. There is power in Your name.” God did it for me. He showed up and showed out. I couldn’t have made it through this year without the relationship that I have with God and the music He put in my path.

Are things perfect for me? Nope. I struggle daily. But something happened recently and I saw the healing moving into a new phase. It took courage to get to this point, courage and long, sleepless nights. This past weekend I found myself genuinely laughing with my best friend for the first time in a long time. I didn’t catch myself saying to myself, “Hey, you’re supposed to be sad.” We laughed until I almost wet my pants. (Really I just about pooped my pants but that’s a different kind of story for another day.)

I couldn’t help but think of the song, I Have a Savior. In it, CeCe sings, “I have a Savior, a friend forever. The Lover of my soul, through every trial. He won’t forsake me. I’ll never be alone. All I’ll ever need is Jesus. All I want to sing is His name. All my heart belongs to Jesus. By His grave and mercy, I’m saved.” If it took this journey to realign my heart with the One who is my future and my hope, it’s been worth it. The lyrics continue, “You’re my future, You’re my hope. You’re the anchor for my soul. And I was made for You.” At the end of the live version of this song, CeCe says something along the lines of “this is why we do what we do, for Him to be glorified. Jesus changes everything.”

Jesus has changed everything for me, this year and many before it as well as those yet to come. I may not ever understand the things that happened to put me on this path but I am forever changed. I’ve prayed not to become bitter but to become better, and I see that working out in my life. There have been many other songs that have gotten me through the last year, some of which probably weren’t too pleasing to God. But when I’ve wanted to feel the closest to His presence, it has been the music of CeCe Winans that has pulled me into a virtual hug with God. If it hadn’t been for her gift of music, I am sure God would have found another way. But it was through her lyrics that I felt a connection with God that has kept me moving forward.

There is purpose in pain and in healing. As a child, I’d hear a preacher talk about his conversations with God and was so confused about how that could happen. Through music, I feel like I’ve been “patched in” with God on a telepathic level. The music could sing what my heart felt and my mouth struggled to say. In return, the music reminds me of just how loved I am even though I am alone. The song, I’ve Got Joy, says, “I’ve got joy in the struggle. I’ve got peace in the storm. I’ve got strength in the battle. I don’t fear anymore. I’m a child of heaven. And my hope is secure. I’ve got joy ’cause I’ve got Jesus. He gave me beauty for ashes, turned my life around.”

If not for CeCe Winans…but, oh, if not for God.