The Lonely Heart Lies

In the quiet of the evening, the silence is sometimes deafening. There is a battle in my head and in my heart. I was conditioned to be around people. My family specifically. But then things all fell apart.

And I fell apart. My world fell apart and I went from being surrounded by people who I thought loved me to being in an abyss. The abyss was and is dark. In the light of day, flowing in the current of life, the abyss is not as noticeable. Moments may come like a pitchfork to my side to remind me of the abyss. But I swat it away like a fly. When the world slows down and night begins to steal the sunlight from the sky, I sink. Deeper and deeper into the abyss.

The abyss is loneliness, simply put. I went from being what I thought was loved to just simply being alone. In the loneliness, the heart lies. It weeps and it cries out that something must be categorically wrong with me. Like Taylor Swift sings, it’s me…I’m the problem. If there wasn’t something wrong with me, I wouldn’t feel this loneliness. This heart wrenching, deafening loneliness. Right?

I’ve tried to fill the void. I’ve written, I’ve read books, I’ve watched movies, I’ve cooked meals fit for a king. But there’s no king. There’s no one to share the laughter, the joy, the tears, the everything. Only me and my thoughts and this damn lying heart.

It tries so hard to make me the negative part of the equation. Or, the glass with the crack in its rim that always pinches your lip when you drink your tea. It tells me, or tries to tell me, that it’s my weirdness that keeps me lonely. Or, it’s many a sundry things from my waistline to my outspokenness.

But perhaps the thing that keeps me lonely is the way that I have learned to shut people out. If there’s no one in my little circle, I can’t be hurt. If I don’t go out with friends then I can’t be rejected. Or lied to or talked about or hurt in a million different scenarios. But this breeds a vicious cycle. I hate being lonely but I don’t want to do anything about it as a means of self preservation. I feel proud of myself for a moment for putting the armor of protection on until the loneliness pierces through. And it always does.

The lonely heart lies. It tells me fabricated stories of inequity that breeds contempt. I’m less than but not equal to and certainly not more than. Enough. So I retreat to my cocoon and wish that something more than, better than loneliness could pierce the armor of protection. Enough. Enough of the lies.

I am more than. I am greater than. I am equal to. Enough. I am worth more. I am precious. I’m not the problem. But I am the solution. At least in part. I have to stop listening to the lies and believe the truths. I am a good woman with a good heart. I love to listen to music and let it feed my soul. I help people when I can and I love to feel needed. I try to see the best in everyone, even when they’ve shown me their worst. I may not be the prettiest or the skinniest, but I always try to be the best version of me. One day, one blessed day, I will realize that people see me far better than I could ever see myself. And for those who don’t, it won’t matter to me.

It won’t matter to me because I will have learned the key to it all…and that is being comfortable with just myself. The loneliness will be replaced with a confidence that lonely is only a season. It’s not a permanent place. It’s not a permanent condition that will afflict me forever. The lonely heart lies. But the confident heart will rise.